When withdrawal becomes the safest way to relate

Recognising what cooperation may conceal

There is a pattern I try to notice when someone arrives on time, answers thoughtfully and rarely complains, yet takes much longer to describe what they needed during a difficult week. If I misunderstand something, they may reassure me that it is fine while remaining unsure whether I have understood them at all.

Temperament and manners can contribute, while some people have also learned that being undemanding protects relationships. Agreeing when angry or waiting for another person to notice hurt may feel less risky than saying what is needed, even when it leaves them overlooked.

The same response can appear at work, in close relationships and in therapy, without drawing much attention from others. A person's outward cooperation therefore needs to be understood alongside how free they feel to disagree.

At work, someone might accept a decision they regard as unfair and spend the following days thinking about it, while in a close relationship they pull away before a disagreement can begin. The behaviour looks quiet, but it can take considerable effort to keep a reaction private and wait for another person to notice what has not been said.

Distance and difficulty asserting a need

Jacqueline Peters and colleagues examined interpersonal problems in 1,800 adults from the Netherlands Study of Depression and Anxiety, considering assertiveness and interpersonal closeness or distance. One research category, cold submissive, combined greater distance with difficulty asserting oneself.

I would use that label cautiously with a client, since a research category offers little account of how the response developed. Keeping thoughts private may once have reduced ridicule, anger or rejection, while depending on someone may have brought experiences the person does not want to repeat.

The response can continue after circumstances change, so others assume that someone has no preference and make decisions without them. In therapy, I would want to understand when this happens and what the person expects would follow if they expressed a different view.

Interpersonal style and clinical outcomes

In the Peters study, people with current anxiety or depressive disorders reported more interpersonal distress and a more submissive style on average than those with a past diagnosis or no lifetime diagnosis. The cold submissive group also had more combined anxiety and depression and a more chronic history.

The interpersonal measure was collected after most of the diagnostic history, which prevents an inference that withdrawal caused the chronic difficulties. Years of depression or anxiety could change relationships, the influence may run both ways, and categories created from continuous dimensions cannot capture every change across settings.

A separate 2025 analysis pooled ten depression trials and 1,282 participants, finding a small association between greater interpersonal distress and poorer treatment outcomes. Assertiveness and closeness themselves did not predict who improved more, so these measures provide questions for assessment without establishing a treatment-selection rule.

Disagreement within the therapy relationship

I pay attention to whether a person corrects a misunderstanding or tells me an exercise was unhelpful, particularly when answering a personal question may feel easier than declining it. Someone expecting criticism can protect me from hearing about their disappointment, leaving an important part of the interaction outside a symptom questionnaire.

Schema work may examine expectations about subjugation, emotional deprivation or mistrust, while CBT can help test predictions about speaking directly. At times, the useful work occurs when a person feels disappointed with me and is able to bring that response into the discussion.

Pressing for disclosure or assertiveness too quickly can repeat an experience of someone else deciding what the person should do. I want us to distinguish where distance still protects them from where it now prevents a need being understood.

Changes can be reviewed through a particular conversation, such as correcting a misunderstanding or remaining engaged long enough to say what felt wrong. That gives the person and therapist something concrete to examine without making openness a performance they must achieve.

I am interested in what happens when the person needs something from me and is uncertain how I will respond. They may describe the disappointment carefully and then withdraw it, or agree with an explanation that does not fit because contradicting me feels like a greater risk. Those moments deserve time, including an invitation to tell me that my account is wrong.